EMERGENCY PARKING ONLY
(An Existential Melodrama)
by Lee Widener
Characters:
DRIVER
HITCHHIKER
ACCIDENT VICTIM
THREE COPS
RADIO VOICES
The setting of the play is an automobile, and sometimes the hiway around
it. I suggest not using an elaborate set, but just using chairs or benches
to imply the car. Perhaps a real steering wheel might be useful. Extensive
sound effects, and some music are required. They could all be on tape, but I
suggest, to maintain the immediacy and tension, to have two actors produce
all the sound effects live - even the sound of the car. The THREE COPS could
be played by the same actor who plays the ACCIDENT VICTIM. I refer to all
the characters consistently as "he", but they could all be played by either
men or women. THIS IS REAL.
(We hear gas station noises. The DRIVER enters. He has been driving all day
and is somewhat haggard. He stands by the car, as yet unwilling to get back
in. He stretches, opens the doors, and throws the snacks he has just
purchased onto the seat. Stoically, he gets in and starts the car. He pulls
onto the hiway and turns on the radio. A song plays.)
HI-SPEED HIWAY
As I drive along, the siren song
Of that silver sliver lures me on,
Promising me an ending.
I'm on the road again-
That inky interstate of life.
I'm on the road again-
Ending up no farther on.
Hi-speed hiway-
How you gonna keep control?
I speed my way,
And I'm gonna save my soul.
As I drive on down to the big showdown
I'm finding that life has just let me down-
Promising me an ending.
I'm on the road again-
That asphalt umbilical chord.
I'm on the road again-
Shift from neutral into drive.
Hi-speed hiway-
How you gonna keep control?
I speed my way-
And I'm gonna save my soul.
(During the song the DRIVER has been having a battle trying to open and eat
his food while driving. He now turns the radio dial, looking for something
more interesting.)
GUEST
I really AM Superman. I can jump over buildings, I can race trains, I can-
HOST
Okay, "Superman," suppose you bend this iron bar for me. ( Sound of iron
bar being hit against table.)
(DRIVER looks quizzically at radio.)
GUEST
(Grunts and groans ) I don't understand. Is this bar made of kryptonite
or something?
HOST
Do you enjoy wasting my time?
GUEST
No, no- look at this picture of me holding up a building.
(DRIVER turns dial.)
DJ
Eve Goodning, persons in passing, you're listening to radio station
W-A-R-F, Radio Warf, the station that doesn't care. Warf is owned by an
independently wealthy eccentric, and does not have to cater to the whims of
the public or bend to the demands of senile commercial sponsors. We do just
about anything we want. The sports are sweaty, the news is bad, and the
time is dusk. The sun is now completely hidden and the sky is a
frightening, smothering, suffocating, lifeless, moribund, neutral, dead,
grey. There is no wind. There are no sounds. Few, if any, dare to journey
forth at this moment. The moment life ebbs from the day, leaving it gasping
ineffectually for a reprieve. A moment or two longer to warm tiny
children's shoulders and old women's hands. Alas- soon night will be born.
Night. Many dark and irregular things will prowl. Only the foolhardy, dull,
insane, heretic, or those compelled will set foot beyond bolted door 'till
dawn comes peeking its reassuring little head over the hills of-
(DRIVER turns radio off.)
DRIVER
Feel like I've been driving for a year.
(He pulls over to the side of the road, shuts off motor, gets out and
stretches. It is a long and well earned stretch. We hear a siren and a
motorcycle COP pulls up.)
COP
What's the problem, buddy?
DRIVER
Nothing, Officer.
COP
You got a flat tire?
DRIVER
No...
COP
You run out of gas?
DRIVER
No, I just-
COP
You hit a possum? Is somebody sick?
DRIVER
No, I was just stretching. It's been a long day. Nothing's wrong. No
problem.
COP
Okay. Fine. No problem. You see that sign?
(DRIVER looks in direction COP is pointing.)
DRIVER
Emergency parking only...
COP
No emergency, no reason to stop. If you're tired, turn up your radio. Drink
some coffee. But don't go pullin' over to the side of the road. It could
be dangerous. (Pause.) Got me? Dangerous. (DRIVER nods.) Okay. I don't
want to see you over here on the shoulder again. Move along.
DRIVER
(Confused by it all.) Yes, sir. Thank you.
(COP gets on his motorcycle and pulls away. Scratching his head, the DRIVER
gets in his car, starts it, and pulls on to the hiway.)
DRIVER
That was weird...
(He drives for a few seconds, then spots and passes a HITCHHIKER on the
side of the hiway. DRIVER checks in his rear view mirror, thinks, then
pulls over. HITCHHIKER picks up his gear, runs over to car, opens the door
and sticks his head in.)
HITCHHIKER
Thanks for stoppin'. How far you goin'?
DRIVER
Hurry up and get in. There's a cop around here somewhere, and I don't want
him to see me pulled over like this.
HITCHHIKER
Oh- sure, okay. (He throws his gear in the back seat, gets in, and shuts
the door. DRIVER pulls onto the hiway.) Wow- thanks for stopping.
Really. Seems like I've been waiting for hours. Haven't seen another
car all night. How far ARE you going?
DRIVER
Not much farther tonight. I'm trying to find an exit and stop for the
night.
HITCHHIKER
What about tomorrow? You goin' on?
DRIVER
(Sighs.) Yes. I'm always moving on. Always.
HITCHHIKER
Mind if I stick around, then?
DRIVER
No, I don't mind. How far are you going?
HITCHHIKER
Well, I'm not really sure...
DRIVER
(Gives a sideways glance at HITCHHIKER, then speaks.) You don't know
where you're going?
HITCHHIKER
Yeah, I know where I'm going. I'm just not sure how to get there.
DRIVER
(Gives another sideways glance at the HITCHHIKER) I have some maps in
the glove compartment.
HITCHHIKER
I don't need that kind of map.
DRIVER
I don't think I'm following you...
HITCHHIKER
(After a sigh.) You'd think I'm crazy.
DRIVER
Crazy? What's life worth if you're not crazy at least once. Try me.
HITCHHIKER
Well... I'm one of Jerry's kids.
DRIVER
You have MS?
HITCHHIKER
No, I mean Jerry Garcia. I'm a Deadhead.
DRIVER
Jerry Garcia- I thought he died.
HITCHHIKER
He did. Well, he left this plane, anyway. He's an Ascended Master, now.
DRIVER
What's that supposed to mean?
HITCHHIKER
When Jerry died, he left the physical plane and joined the other great
spiritual leaders of Earth on the Astral Plane. He's there now with Jesus,
Bhudda, St. Germain, Lao-Tzu, Madam Blavatsky, Jim Henson. He's been
in communication with certain Deadheads, and has put out the call. The
message was printed in the last issue of the Dead Letter- "Hit the
road. Let the long, strange trip continue. Find others of the family,
other Deadheads. Meet where ever you can. Gather together in a certain
place. You will know it when you get there. In that place I will speak
to you. We will have the greatest party ever. And life will never be
the same again." That's my story. Go ahead and tell me I'm crazy.
Tell me I've done too many drugs. Tell me I'm throwing my life away.
DRIVER
Since you already seem to be aware of it, I guess I don't need to.
HITCHHIKER
Listen, what do you do?
DRIVER
(With a slight, sardonic chuckle to himself.) I'm in sales.
HITCHHIKER
Sales. Ha- I was there too. I've lived in that world. In college I was
a business major. Chucked it all to travel with the Dead. I developed
a process to make die dyed socks that would keep their color longer
and not bleed all over the feet. Foot sweat is murder on tie dyes. I
sold them at the shows and made a FORTUNE. Jerry wore my socks
HIMSELF! The whole band did. I had everything I could ever want. My
life was complete. When Jerry died my entire world collapsed. I was
lost. I had no purpose any more. Can you understand what I'm trying to
tell you?
DRIVER
Yes. I understand very well.
HITCHHIKER
Do you? I went through my entire fortune and most of my grandparent's
annuity, but nothing made me happy. Without the Dead, I couldn't think
of a reason to do anything. I had spent most of my life dedicated to
one purpose and in an instant it just disappeared. My life had no
meaning any more. I hadn't been out of bed for two days when the Dead
Letter came, with the message from Jerry. The Master was calling to
his family. There was a party planned and we were all invited. The
clouds parted and I hit the road. The party will happen. I just have
to find it. And the Earth WILL change.
DRIVER
Quite a story.
HITCHHIKER
I told you you'd think I'm crazy.
DRIVER
So ,your purpose in life is to bum around the hiway, looking for other
spaced out fans of a dead rock star.
HITCHHIKER
Listen, Jerry Garcia was more than a rock star, more than a musician.
He was an icon, a way of life.
DRIVER
We have more in common than you think.
HITCHHIKER
Really? You're into the Dead?
DRIVER
No, that's not what I meant. Never mind.
HITCHHIKER
Where are YOU going, anyway?
DRIVER
That's a good question. Time for my own little story. Or better yet, a
demonstration.
HITCHHIKER
What do you mean?
DRIVER
Watch this. (He pulls the car over to the side of the road.) C'mon, get
out.
HITCHHIKER
What's going on?
DRIVER
Don't worry, everything's okay. I just want to show you something. Get
out and have a little stretch.
(HITCHHIKER gets out of the car. A siren blares and ANOTHER COP pulls up.)
ANOTHER COP
Ah, and a good evenin' to ya, gentlemen. May I be of some assistance?
DRIVER
(Pointing toward the audience.) Beautiful sight, isn't it?
ANOTHER COP
Ah, that it is. A wee bit more entrancin' in the daytime. Ya know, ya
really shouldn't be parked out here. Quite a dangerous place it is, dark
and all. Did ya see that sign over there?
DRIVER
I haven't seen it, but I'm sure it's there.
HITCHHIKER
(Reading) Emergency Parking Only...
ANOTHER COP
Ya should be movin' on now. Ya can't stop here.
HITCHHIKER
What's the difference? We haven't seen another car all night.
ANOTHER COP
Ya never know when one might be happenin' along. A bad stretch a' road,
this is. You'll have to be movin' along now.
HITCHHIKER
What's the hassle? We're just taking a break.
ANOTHER COP
If you're tired, ya should turn on the radio, drink some coffee-
HITCHHIKER
But we don't HAVE any coffee.
ANOTHER COP
Now, don't be causin' me any trouble or I'll have ta run ya in. Move along.
(DRIVER gets in the car and starts the motor. After a second the HITCHHIKER
gets in. They pull onto the road.)
HITCHHIKER
What was that all about?
DRIVER
I'm not certain, yet. I think it's harassment.
HITCHHIKER
Why would the cops want to hassle you?
DRIVER
Not the police. The hiway.
HITCHHIKER
The hiway? What do you mean by that?
DRIVER
The hiway is like a Svengali. It owns some of us. Particularly traveling
salesmen. It mesmerizes. I've been sleeping too much lately, and it's
losing its grip on me.
HITCHHIKER
I thought MY story was weird.
DRIVER
That's not the half of it.
HITCHHIKER
Where did you come up with this?
DRIVER
There hasn't been an exit for four hundred miles. Not even a rest
stop.
HITCHHIKER
You're kiddin'.
DRIVER
I stopped for gas a while back and the station was right out on the hiway.
The hiway does this to the ones it owns. I've seen it. We drink gallons of
coffee, take speed, tape our eyes open- anything to keep driving. We become
aggressive and sometimes cause terrible accidents jousting for a space in
the traffic flow. And the speed- always the speed. Faster and faster. They
brag about it. "I made it to New York City from Atlanta in a day and a
half!" We lose the use of our left legs. It's like our brains shut off and
all our awareness is centered in our eyes- only our eyes guiding us along
the white lines. We live only to drive and feed the hiway. If you
dedicate your life to one thing, it can make you a prisoner. Sometimes
an individual wakes up and tries to break loose. These the hiway
kills.
HITCHHIKER
And the hiway wants to kill you?
DRIVER
I believe so.
HITCHHIKER (Filled with disbelief.) Why?
DRIVER
As I said, sometimes one of us wakes up. I'm beginning to. (Suddenly aware
of how strange it all sounds.) I've been having these dreams. Wonderful,
indescribable dreams. As soon as I fall asleep I find myself in a land
where I am a wise and respected personage. Life is exciting and
adventurous. I am loved by everyone. It's getting to be very hard,
coming from that world, where my days are filled with sharing,
dignity, and purpose, into this world, where all I do is drive the
hiway- with its narcotic radio voices that don't care and "Emergency
Parking Only" signs. Every moment I stay awake the hiway grips me
tighter. I've begun to like to oversleep. I slept all the way through
Tuesday and Wednesday. The hiway didn't like that. Now it's forcing
me to drive, and it won't stop until I'm completely under its control.
(He smiles and looks over at HITCHHIKER to see his reaction.)
HITCHHIKER
Man, and I thought I was on a strange trip. Listen, I'll tell you what. You
like sleeping so much, I can drive for a while. You could crash out in the
back seat.
DRIVER
No, I'll drive. This is my fight. I have to find an exit.
HITCHHIKER
The cops should know where the exits are.
DRIVER
The cops? Ha! The police are the hiway's antibodies. We'll get no help
from them.
HITCHHIKER
This sounds pretty unbelievable.
DRIVER
You saw what happened when we stopped.
HITCHHIKER
Listen, just try it again. There must be something we can do.
(With a sigh, the DRIVER pulls over to the side of the road and shuts of
the motor. Even before they can get out, a THIRD COP drives up.)
THIRD COP
I hope ya'll got a real good reason fer stoppin' here.
HITCHHIKER
(Getting out and going over to THIRD COP.) We just want to find an exit.
You must know where the nearest one is.
THIRD COP
(Laughing.) An exit? There's no exit around here. Now, why don't ya'll just
be hittin' the road agin?
HITCHHIKER
What's the big hassle? If there's no exit, can't we just rest here for a
while?
THIRD COP
Boy- obviously you cain't read or you would a' read the sign over-
HITCHHIKER
The hell with the sign!
THIRD COP
Now, if yer gonna use abusive language-
DRIVER
(Calling from the car.) That's all right, officer. I realize you're only...
following orders. We'll be going now. (He starts the motor.)
HITCHHIKER
He's drunk! He's drunk and can't drive!
THIRD COP
Then maybe you should drive.
(HITCHHIKER stands motionless for a second, disbelieving, then gets in the
car. They pull away. HITCHHIKER is flabbergasted.)
HITCHHIKER
I can't believe this.
DRIVER
That's pretty good coming from someone hitchhiking around the country
looking for a bunch of hippies to commune with a dead rock star.
HITCHHIKER
Why can't we find an exit? Where are the rest stops? Where are the other
cars? (With disdain.) "Emergency Parking Only."
DRIVER
Maybe that's the answer...
HITCHHIKER
What?
DRIVER
EMERGENCY Parking Only.
HITCHHIKER
An emergency. But we haven't seen anyone but cops all night long. This is
totally bizarre. (Exasperated, he turns on the radio.)
GUEST
Yes, Paul MacCartney really DID die that day in 1966, and was replaced by
an imposter. John couldn't stand the guy and was about to blow the lid-
(HITCHHIKER switches to a different station.)
GUEST #2
Well, he was a genius, really, though nobody knew it.
INTERVIEWER
Has he become more popular in this century?
GUEST #2
No, oh no. He's universally ignored. I am starting a website to rectify
this injustice, however. His publishers are to blame for most of his
obscurity. They hated his work. Thought he was totally demented. They
thought they were performing a public service by making sure nobody ever
saw anything he wrote. They buried his poetry and essays in the back pages
of the "German Review of Unpopular Ideas." When they staged productions of
his plays they purposely didn't tell anybody. What few novels he wrote they
sold as roof shingles and fire starters.
HITCHHIKER
(He takes some fruit from his gear and eats it.) Want some?
DRIVER
What? Oh, no thanks.
INTERVIEWER
Was he as bad as all that?
GUEST #2
Well, yes and no. He knew absolutely nothing about stage conventions and
would often have the entire cast of a play with their backs facing the
audience. During the entirety of what he considered his masterwork, "Trolls
Underground," none of the players faces are EVER seen. This was all tied in
with his deeply felt inner purpose though, as evidenced by this passage
from his autobiography, "Pathways to Obscurity" -
(HITCHHIKER turns off radio.)
HITCHHIKER
Shit, what is this anyway, the twilight zone?
DRIVER
Perhaps. You don't regret taking a ride from me, do you?
HITCHHIKER
Well, it's the strangest lift I've ever had.
DRIVER
Don't worry. I'll get us out. Despite all the sleep I've had lately, I'm
very tired. I need to dream. When I dream I have romance, purpose,
excitement.
HITCHHIKER
Shit, the hiway has turned into some kind of giant cement leech, and you
want excitement? (Exasperated, he turns the radio back on.)
RADIO VOICE
- am located at mile marker 198. Please help me. There has been an
accident. I know the location of an exit. I am located at mile marker 198.
Please help me. There has been an accident I know the location of an exit.
(Voice keeps repeating.)
HITCHHIKER
Jesus Christ! An accident! An emergency! And they know where an exit is! An
exit! (Looking out window.) Where are we? Marker 196. Only two miles
away. Step on it! Maybe we can get there before the cops do. (DRIVER
presses gas pedal to the floor. The car strains forward.) Man, if this
is real-
(Suddenly the lights of an approaching car shine on their faces. They get
brighter as they come racing toward the car.)
HITCHHIKER
AAAAAAAAAAH! Watch out!
(HITCHHIKER huddles against his door, prepared for a crash. Somehow the
DRIVER manoeuvres between the cars, two of them, and they go whizzing past,
horns blaring.)
HITCHHIKER
Look at that! They tried to hit us! They deliberately tried to...
DRIVER
No, I don't think so. A warning, perhaps. (DRIVER slows car to a crawl.
They are near the crash site.) Looks bad.
HITCHHIKER
No shit. Look at those skid marks. What could have caused one car to go out
of control like that? Geez- look at that car! How could anyone survive
something like that?
(They pull over and stop the car. A pool of light comes up revealing the
ACCIDENT VICTIM. He is dressed poorly and lying face down. There are bloody
bandages around the top of his head.)
DRIVER
Let's take a look.
(They get out of the car and go over to the body. DRIVER turns it over.)
HITCHHIKER
(Unable to speak.) Ohhhhh...
(One side of the ACCIDENT VICTIM's face is all bloody, as is his neck, and
part of his chest. His nose is broken. One eye is swollen. The exposed
portion of one arm is ripped and torn. It should be quite gruesome. DRIVER
lays ACCIDENT VICTIM down on his back. He feels his forehead, then his
hands, then places an ear to his chest.)
DRIVER
He's dead. (Pause. DRIVER looks around.) I don't see any exit. Let's get
out of here. We'll take him with us.
HITCHHIKER
Take him with us!
DRIVER
That's right. Come on. (They carry ACCIDENT VICTIM to the car and put him
on the back seat. They pull away, driving at a good clip. HITCHHIKER is
visibly shaken.)
HITCHHIKER
This is too much. I've never seen a dead person before. Not even at a
funeral. I have enough problems with dead animals.
DRIVER
Better get used to it.
HITCHHIKER
I don't like this. It's too freaky. I don't like driving around with a dead
body in the back seat. I don't like being so close to death.
DRIVER
That old bugaboo death. Extinction. It might not be as bad as all that.
HITCHHIKER
Listen, when you dream you go to some great fantasy land. But I've had
dreams too. Bad dreams. I'll wake up and find myself soaked with sweat, and
my feet will be itching, and I'm DEAD. DEAD, do you understand? And there's
nothing I can do. Everything is just black. Darkness.
DRIVER
You just don't have any imagination. What do you think death is, anyway?
HITCHHIKER
I have no idea! It's death. Alone. No contact. With anything.
DRIVER
This is from someone who's going to hear the revelations of a dead rock
star?
HITCHHIKER
Jerry was special. He's an ascended master. I don't know about the
rest of us. I'd like there to be something beyond this life, but I
don't KNOW. That's what freaks me out.
DRIVER
Well, death IS final. If we were dead, this would be over.
HITCHHIKER
DON'T SAY THAT! I don't want to be dead! I want at least the chance to find
out what else there might be. To find out if Jerry WILL speak to us...
(During the last couple of minutes the ACCIDENT VICTIM's hand has been
creeping slowly up the back of one of the seats. Suddenly he sits up,
putting his face right next to the HITCHHIKER's.)
ACCIDENT VICTIM
Stay out of the rest stops! Clean a spot of deros, fight defensively.
Nothing but the dead, and the dead's voices... Do you wander only to
wander, or are you a captive of the ancient, abhorrent ray mech? It's a
decent life, eh? Or is that only thinking backwards? Will you lie, bruised
and broken, or stay awake- looking forward? Will you let it go, to take a
life of its own, and leave it far behind? Nothing hurt! I exist. Do you
hear voices? What about Morrison? Cobain? The refrigerator was locked.
(As if suddenly switched off, ACCIDENT VICTIM falls back onto the back
seat, motionless. DRIVER and HITCHHIKER are stunned, shocked. With effort,
the DRIVER keeps his eyes on the road.)
HITCHHIKER
Sonnuva bitch! (To DRIVER.) I thought you said he was dead!
DRIVER
He was.
ACCIDENT VICTIM
(Eyes closed.) Do you see me? I'm gone.
HITCHHIKER
Hey- are you all right?
ACCIDENT VICTIM
I'm gone, therefore, I was. (He opens his eyes.)
HITCHHIKER
What happened? How did this happen to you?
ACCIDENT VICTIM
(With stiff arms he props himself against the back of the front seat.)
Please excuse me for my outburst. The reanimation was a little
disorienting. It all comes in so fast. I am fine, now. Just a slight
skirmish in the eternal War Most Have No Inkling Of. This time I am the
slightly vanquished. (To HITCHHIKER.) You want to know. But you will never
know. The forces of Oblivion will never let you know. Not unless you are
willing to put your life on the line.
HITCHHIKER
What are you talking about? Shit, I thought you were dead. Do you feel
okay? That arm looks pretty bad. I didn't think anyone could survive a
crash like that.
ACCIDENT VICTIM
Survive? (Laughs.) Yes, I survive. But I AM dead. (Looking intently at
HITCHHIKER.) You don't believe me? Feel! (He grabs HITCHHIKER's hand
and presses it against his cheek.)
HITCHHIKER
Ugh... Cold.
ACCIDENT VICTIM
(He presses HITCHHIKER's fingers against his wrist.) Any pulse?
HITCHHIKER
No...
DRIVER
Why did the hiway want you?
ACCIDENT VICTIM
Hiway? No, I'm no hiway casualty. The hiway is but a pawn. There is a
higher tyrant- a different war. One humankind has, so far, dared only dream
of.
DRIVER
Dream?
ACCIDENT VICTIM
Yes, my somnambulistic friend, dream. You've been there. Do you know me?
DRIVER
(Looks at ACCIDENT VICTIM.) Know you? No...
ACCIDENT VICTIM
Oh, all right. (Fumbling, he finds a medallion and shows it to DRIVER.) Now
do you know me?
DRIVER
The Creatori Medallion...
ACCIDENT VICTIM
Izizanimma ilani ruxisha shima ya dababi.
DRIVER
(Surprised, he looks at ACCIDENT VICTIM with recognition.) You're from my
dreams.
ACCIDENT VICTIM
Yes. (Smiling.) You're right in the middle of it, but you don't know what's
going on. You've only glimpsed. Now you're in double trouble. You're
fighting against Oblivion itself, and now its lieutenant, the hiway, is out
to get you. In your dreams you are brave, you act with determination.
Can you do it here as well?
DRIVER
Is it possible?
ACCIDENT VICTIM
Yes, it's possible. You can't see yet. You're too tired.
HITCHHIKER
Just slow down a second here. You're talking to us, but you're dead? Is
that what you're trying to tell us?
ACCIDENT VICTIM
Is it so hard to grasp? You felt. I have been killed, but I go on. I have
not been defeated.
HITCHHIKER
Death seems like a pretty big defeat to me.
ACCIDENT VICTIM
What you call life is not so precious. Just a juxtaposition. A fragment. A
narrow viewpoint. What IS important is to accept yourself.
HITCHHIKER
I don't wanna talk about this any more. (To DRIVER.) I thought we were
looking for an exit.
ACCIDENT VICTIM
That is this moment's task.
HITCHHIKER
Just before we found you we heard this voice on the radio-
ACCIDENT VICTIM
I know the location of an exit, and I will take you there. I hope some of
us will survive to use it. There is a fork a few miles ahead- we wish to
take the left road. A little way beyond is the Hastings exit. We may have a
rough go of it.
HITCHHIKER
You must have travelled this road a lot.
ACCIDENT VICTIM
Never been here before.
HITCHHIKER
But-
ACCIDENT VICTIM
I can see the exit. Death does things to one's perception. But there are
three of us now. The hiway has laid a few traps. A battle is forthcoming.
(Overwhelmed, HITCHHIKER turns away and stares out the window. Pause.)
DRIVER
Tell me of the war.
ACCIDENT VICTIM
Why tell you? You've been fighting for years, in your dreams. We fight
for all existence and virtually no one even knows there is a threat.
Your battle is with yourself. You want to give up. But you can never
win a battle with yourself.
(Slightly, the motor speeds up.)
HITCHHIKER
It all sounds like a bunch of right wing cold war secret government
bullshit to me. I'm a pacifist, anyway. (He spots something in the
distance.) What's that up there?
DRIVER
I don't know. Looks like it's right out on the road.
ACCIDENT VICTIM
You don't want to go there.
HITCHHIKER
(Straining to see.) Looks like a restaurant.
DRIVER
Hmmmm...
HITCHHIKER
I wonder if they have curly fries...
ACCIDENT VICTIM
Don't stop there.
DRIVER
I could use some coffee.
ACCIDENT VICTIM
It's the siren-song of the hiway.
HITCHHIKER
Maybe we could stop for a few minutes and kinda prepare ourselves for
whatever is ahead of us.
ACCIDENT VICTIM
Don't stop!
DRIVER
Good idea. I am kind of hungry.
(ACCIDENT VICTIM buries himself in the back seat. DRIVER pulls over to the
restaurant, turns off motor and rolls down window. HITCHHIKER strains to
see through DRIVER's window, trying to read the menu outside.)
HITCHHIKER
What is this place, anyway?
DRIVER
(Craning neck to see a tall sign outside.) Lotus Burger. Must be some kind
of Chinese-American hybrid. (He presses a button outside the car.)
WAITRESS
(Her voice is harsh and full of static, as if coming out of a loudspeaker.
We can barely make out the words.) May I help you?
DRIVER
(To HITCHHIKER.) What do you want?
HITCHHIKER
(Still trying to read menu.) Oh... I guess I'll have a Deluxe Double
Lotusburger, Giant Softaco Supreme, small pot of green tea, and see if they
have any curly fries. (To ACCIDENT VICTIM.) Hey- do you want anything?
(ACCIDENT VICTIM remains immobile.)
DRIVER
We'll have two Deluxe Double Lotus Burgers, one Giant Softaco Supreme,
large onion rings, small pot of green tea, three cups of coffee, and do you
have curly fries?
WAITRESS
'Zit on the menu?
DRIVER
Uh... no.
WAITRESS
That's two Deluxedoublelotus, Giantsoftacsupe, big rings, little tea, three
coffees. Anything else?
DRIVER
No.
WAITRESS
That'll be eighteen eighty five.
HITCHHIKER
Eighteen eighty five! What a rip off!
DRIVER
Let's see- (To HITCHHIKER.) yours is-
HITCHHIKER
Can you carry me?
DRIVER
That figures. (DRIVER digs into his pocket, gets the money, and deposits it
into a pneumatic tube outside.)
WAITRESS
Thank you.
(There is a pause.)
HITCHHIKER
So, you're in sales?
DRIVER
That's right. I'm a traveling salesman.
HITCHHIKER
Really? Wow- what do you sell?
DRIVER
Edging patterns.
HITCHHIKER
Say what?
DRIVER
Edging patterns. They're used in the making of eyeglasses. Once a lens is
ground, it must be formed to the shape of the frame. The patterns I sell
are shaped like the inside of the eyepiece on a frame, and they are used to
edge the lens to the same shape. I've got about fifteen hundred different
patterns in the trunk. The whole line- Gemini, Prince Valient, Skyrocket,
Howard Hughes, Granny, Phyllis Diller, Uncle Sam, Space Cadet, Merrimack,
Wise Man, Poor Boy, Angel, Bloodbath, Swimming Pool, Small Goggle, Large
Goggle, Ridiculous Goggle, Elton John Numbers One through Twenty Seven, the
Big Piece of Shit. I've even got the Star of David.
HITCHHIKER
Wow, the whole shebang. Sounds pretty intense.
DRIVER
My job means nothing to anybody, including myself. The only people I talk
to are Optical Technicians. They're all balding, miserly little gnomes, and
all they want to talk about is what their competitors are charging, and
where's that shipment of seconds you promised them. Don't you have any
sample blanks this month? Money, money. It's a pretty stilted view of life.
You draw away from people. The hiway and the radio are your only friends.
Or you can dream.
WAITRESS
(BEEEEEEEEP!) Your order is ready.
(DRIVER reaches out and brings food in. He divides it with the HITCHHIKER.)
DRIVER
(After taking a long drink.) Ahhhhhhh... coffee.
HITCHHIKER
So this is a Lotusburger. I wonder why they chose a name like that. (He
eats.)
DRIVER
Everybody's got to have a gimmick. These roadside spots have really got to
fight for the crowds. (He eats.)
HITCHHIKER
Never heard of a Lotusburger stand before.
DRIVER
Must be a local place.
HITCHHIKER
(Yawning.) Feels good to stop and space out for a while.
DRIVER
Yes. I've been driving all day long. I used to live for it. Now all I want
to do is sleep.
HITCHHIKER
(Yawning.) I could use a bit of sleep myself. I think I'll just crash out
here in the seat for a while. (Yawn.) Wake me up when we escape with our
lives. (He falls asleep.)
DRIVER
(Yawn.) Not such a bad idea. (Yawn.) The hell with this coffee. I'll just
take a short nap. (Yawn.) We can save ourselves in the morning. (He falls
asleep.)
(Pause. ACCIDENT VICTIM sits up.)
ACCIDENT VICTIM
I told you- all this machinery is ancient evil ray mech. You are victim of
serious dero tamper. No one ever listens. No one ever cares. They sleep SO
MUCH. Even when they are awake they sleep- they drive, they watch TV, they
play with computers, they go to tanning salons. They become pawns of
Oblivion. Arms of oppression. Each year thousands more become traffic
casualty statistics. Each year they join the millions of souls that form
the demon we call hiway. Will you join them? I sit here ranting and raving
and you can't even hear me. You are beyond words, anyway. Sleeping on the
hiway is bad mojo. You demand stronger sorcery. (He puts a hand on each of
their heads. His fingers grasp their hair and he gently, slowly, pulls
their heads back towards him. Lights dim- perhaps a tint of green.) Ecce
enim veritatum! (A slight noise of wind.) Tradidit Dominus noster in
manibus inimicorum vestorum! (Crackling noises.) Exorciso te immunde
spiritus! (Wind and crackling louder. Discordant music. Lights flash.
ACCIDENT VICTIM sways DRIVER and HITCHHIKER in circles, as if they were
puppets. They are in a deep trance.) Ecce enim veritatum! Tradidit Dominus
noster in manibus inimicorum vestorum! Exorciso te immunde spiritus!
(Spooky sound effects, lights, and music as the three of them sway in
mystical trance and the ACCIDENT VICTIM chants.) Remember it now. Remember
it how. Every life you've dreamed. Every dream you've lived. Every love
you've cared for. Every care you've loved. Remember it now. Remember it
how. Remember then. Listen now. Spirit of your self Listen when, listen
how- Live to dream, and care, and love! Fight this dero complacency!
(Effects, music, and voice build.) Spirit of thy self Burst thy chains!
THERE SHALL BE NO COMPROMISE! (All effects abruptly stop, light very low
on ACCIDENT VICTIM's face as he screams-) BECOME THYSELF!
(There is a clap of thunder, lights flash and come up full, the car starts,
the sleepers wake.)
HITCHHIKER
(He shudders violently and screams.) Stop! No! No!
DRIVER
I'm back.
ACCIDENT VICTIM
From the dream.
DRIVER
No- a different dream. A horrible one.
ACCIDENT VICTIM
Those dreams will kill you.
HITCHHIKER
A hamburger. A hamburger did that to us! (He throws his food out the
window.)
ACCIDENT VICTIM
Get us out of here quick.
(DRIVER puts car into gear and drives away, throwing food out the window.)
DRIVER
I had such a horrible dream. There was nothing but the hiway. The whole
world was the hiway, and everyone had to drive endlessly, endlessly.
HITCHHIKER
How far is it to that exit?
ACCIDENT VICTIM
Just a few more miles. This is the most dangerous part.
(As if on cue, there is a loud bang and hiss of air as one of the tires
goes flat. DRIVER fights to get the car under control and pulls over.)
ACCIDENT VICTIM
We must be getting close.
HITCHHIKER
I can't believe this.
DRIVER
Well, let's change it. (He gets out and heads for the trunk. The other two
get out and follow him. DRIVER fumbles with key.) It's bent. It won't go
in.
ACCIDENT VICTIM
It wants to keep us here.
HITCHHIKER
(Trying to keep from becoming frantic, a last grasp at sanity.) Let me try.
(He grabs keys from DRIVER and fumbles at the lock.) Shit. I can't believe
it. Maybe we can bend it back. (He rushes back to his seat, grabs
something, puts the key on the ground and pounds on it.) This whole
situation is too tripped out to even admit to. (He stands up.) Look, you
said the exit wasn't far. Maybe we could drive on the flat tire.
ACCIDENT VICTIM
It won't work.
HITCHHIKER
(To DRIVER.) Listen, I have money in Denver- what's left of my
grandparent's annuity. I'll pay you for the tire. (He picks up the
keys and gets in the DRIVER's seat.) We've GOT to get out of here.
I've got a party to go to. I still don't believe you're dead and the
hiway's trying to kill us, but I've got to get out of here.
ACCIDENT VICTIM
It won't start.
HITCHHIKER
(He tries desperately to start the car, but it won't start.) It won't. (To
ACCIDENT VICTIM.) You know, you're pretty negative.
ACCIDENT VICTIM
You just have to take things as they come. That's your lesson.
Everything has its own time. This trap has been sprung and we must
overcome it before we will be allowed to continue.
HITCHHIKER
Well, I'm not giving up. I've got too much to do with my life. I'm not
dying out here on the hiway.
DRIVER
I remember having something to live for.
ACCIDENT VICTIM
(To HITCHHIKER) That's good. You SHOULD have enthusiasm. Never give
up. But you can't rush an answer to a question you haven't even asked
yet.
HITCHHIKER
A crowbar or something. We could pry it open.
DRIVER
I have a crowbar. In the trunk.
HITCHHIKER
Wait! I have some tent poles in my gear. They're pretty heavy duty. (He
rummages in his gear and comes out with a metal tent pole.) Here we go! (He
rushes back to the trunk and with the help of the DRIVER and a
gut-wrenching sound effect, pries it open.) Yahoo! (DRIVER takes out the
jack and begins to change the tire. HITCHHIKER takes out the spare.) Where
are those cops when you need them? (HITCHHIKER and DRIVER change tire.) I
graduated high school early, hit the road when i was seventeen. I thought I
wanted to do a lot of things, see a lot of places- but when I got there it
was always the same as the place I just left. It was the traveling I loved.
I guess the hiway had a hold on me too.
(They have finished changing the tire. DRIVER lets down the jack.)
DRIVER
Let's go.
HITCHHIKER
Hurry up!
(They put everything back, get in car, and take off.)
ACCIDENT VICTIM
(Pointing.) There. That's the fork we want to take to the exit.
(DRIVER steers accordingly.)
HITCHHIKER
Does that mean we're close? How close are we?
ACCIDENT VICTIM
We could make it. Just possibly. But...
DRIVER
It would be quite unheard of.
ACCIDENT VICTIM
There must be something we don't know.
DRIVER
Perhaps.
HITCHHIKER
What's that up ahead?
ACCIDENT VICTIM
A sign...
HITCHHIKER
Road construction, next ten miles.
(Car begins to bounce over chuckholes.)
HITCHHIKER
Great. (Pointing.) What's that?
ACCIDENT VICTIM
It's the exit. Nothing can stop us now.
(DRIVER floors the gas pedal. They bounce over chuckholes. He has to fight
to keep control. HITCHHIKER's door flies open and he nearly falls out.
ACCIDENT VICTIM pulls him back in. HITCHHIKER struggles to close door.)
HITCHHIKER
Yaaaaaaaaahhhh! It just flew open! Now it won't close!
(In quick succession the other three doors fly open. The DRIVER must now
try to navigate through the chuckholes at high speed while trying to close
his door. ACCIDENT VICTIM tries to close back doors. HITCHHIKER spots
something ahead.)
HITCHHIKER
What now? Holy shit! They just came in off the exit and I don't think they
want to let us by! Can you get us past all those cars?
(With horns and lights blaring, cars whiz by. DRIVER fights valiantly to
keep from getting hit, but finally a car catches one of the open doors.
There is a loud SMACK and the car spins out of control, tires screeching.
The occupants are thrown about. There is a loud WHAM as the car collides
with another one of the oncoming vehicles. Huge crash and explosion as the
screaming HITCHHIKER, ACCIDENT VICTIM, and DRIVER are thrown from the car.
Dead silence. Long pause. Finally, ACCIDENT VICTIM sits up. He goes to
HITCHHIKER and turns him over. He shakes the HITCHHIKER.)
HITCHHIKER
(Wakes screaming.) WHA-
ACCIDENT VICTIM
(With tenderness.) Shhh. Shhh. Are you all right?
HITCHHIKER
My head's killin' me. My shoulder doesn't feel too hot. Where's the driver?
(He looks around, spots the DRIVER, runs to him, turns him over. ACCIDENT
VICTIM joins them.)
ACCIDENT VICTIM
He's dead.
HITCHHIKER
(Hit hard by this.) Dead? (Grabbing ACCIDENT VICTIM.) But you're dead
and you're standing here talking to me!
ACCIDENT VICTIM
But I don't have any far away dreams any more. Put them to rest long
ago. Now all my dreams are right here. Let him sleep. He's finally
gone to his dream world. He won.
HITCHHIKER
He won? He's dead!
ACCIDENT VICTIM
The hiway fought hard to keep him. When it couldn't, it killed him.
HITCHHIKER
We got hit pretty bad. I should be dead too.
ACCIDENT VICTIM
No- you still have plenty of questions to ask. He was through asking
questions. (He pulls HITCHHIKER up.) C'mon. The police will be here
any minute to clean up the mess.
(Reluctantly, HITCHHIKER complies. A large green and white sign lights up-
EXIT.)
ACCIDENT VICTIM
Jerry says it's almost time for the party.
HITCHHIVER
You've HEARD from him??
(They head for the exit as a melancholy reprise of HI-SPEED HIWAY
plays.)
I'm on the road again,
That asphalt umbilical chord.
I'm on the road again,
Shift from neutral into drive.
Hi-speed hiway,
How you gonna keep control?
I speed my way,
And I'm gonna save my soul.
(Slow fade out as music plays.)
THE END.
*FOOTNOTE: Translation of ACCIDENT VICTIM's chant- "Behold the truth! The
master has betrayed you into the hands of your enemies! I exorcise thee,
thou unclean spirit
WARNING: THE ENTIRE CONTENTS OF THE SCRIPT "Emergency Parking Only" IS
COPYRIGHT (c)1997 BY LEE WIDENER, AND MAY
NOT BE REPRODUCED, EITHER IN
PRINT, OR ELECTRONICALLY,
IN ANY MANNER, OR IN ANY FORM, WITHOUT
THE
WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR. LEE WIDENER MAY BE CONTACTED AT:
xperrymental@hotmail.com